上天倦顾的孩子's profile上天倦顾的孩子Blog Tools Help

Blog


    September 04

    Life at this point..

    If life does have a point.. then I hope this is not the point of mine..
     
     
    Father's day..I called..the rest of the story is so predictable..I wonder if I will regret for the rest of my life that I am not with family now..I was told so..I replied with silence..I wonder if I really will..Now I think my answer is NO..does that make me a bad daughter?!..to be honest..I couldn't care less..
     
    In a situation like this..I wonder who is the real victim? who is the one suffers the most?? My dad..the one who actually is sick..or shall I say..the one who is fighting for living..
    Or..
    My mum..the one who actually takes care of the sick..the one she truly loved..the one broke her heart time after time..the one always so selfish but still asking for more..
    Or..
    Me..the innocent child brought to this complicated and unhappy world..despite being hopelessly lost..standing in between the two gave me life..I do not know what to say to neither of them..tell them what's really going on in my life? tell them that I am actually feeling so hurt? tell them that what I really want was what they did everything to aviod?
     
    I can't..in fact..it kills..kills everything I ever had..
     
     
    Between Right and Wrong..Between Love and Hatred..the choice is never up to you..
     
     
     
    July 24

    i fear.. and i pray..

    never knew that i am capable of non-stop crying like how i am now..
    though, i know by heart now..what does tear tastes like..
     
    never knew that i am capable of feeling heart stoped pumping like what they say in the love songs..
    though, i know by heart now..what they say in the love songs is not just what they sing..
     
    never knew that i am capable of telling others my heartbroken life with a big smile on the face..
    though, i know by heart now..you can't really trust people's smile..
     
    never knew that life is a big joke that God plays with me
    though, i know by heart now..God does not have a good sense of humor..
     
     
    if..if Miracle does exist..
    then..then Please..Please let it be my father..
    if..if there is a price for it..
    then..then let me..let me pay it for the rest of my life..
     
     
    June 15

    To Him..

    Glamorous night with dust in the air

    Enormous stars shining through my heart

    Look upon the sky

    I asked how far away you are

    You said you are right in my heart

    Then why I am left with an empty heart

    I guess it's cuz the truth tears it all apart

     

    Breathe through the dusty air

    Smell the sadness of this city

    Wonder if that's the sorrow from my heart

    All of the sudden

    The door is shut

    As if..

    As if even the gentlest touch

    The deepest secret of the heart shall fall apart

    The secret..

    The secret is that blood tear in my heart

     

    Feel the breeze kisses my hair

    hear someone is by my ear

    Mr. Sun said   I shall warm up your icy heart

    'n melt away all the fear

    Ms. Moon said   I shall light up your secret heart

    'n let the peace heal all the scar

    The silence of darkness still in the air

    Until..

    Until that soft whisper broke into my heart

    I shall be your shooting star

    Close your eyes    open your heart    make a wish

    Till the next second   I’m in your heart

     

    Yes.. That’s all you have to do

    Yes.. That’s all I ask of you

                                          

                                         May the stars bring you seconds of ease  ^_^

     
    June 07

    Taxi driver AND China

    today...start work at 6am..manager gave me a cab charge..haha...happy..happy..
     
    I am sure this happens to many ppl...when you wait for bus..taxi just passes in front of you one by one...like thunderstorm...when you wait for taxi...taxi is just nowhere to be seen...so i waited for at least 15 mins...finally...2 taxi come to my direction at the same time...suddenly feel kinda flattered...hehe...obviously...it takes skills and courage to compete a good position to stop right in front of me...well...i am not playing hard to get...
     
    okay..now is the real story...
     
    as soon as I sat down and gave the address of my destination...the taxi driver started asking me..where are you from...I was like...man...it's 5am in the morning..how many ppl really wanna talk and know where i am from...give me a break..for God sake...i am still in the half-sleeping mode...but to be polite..like i always am..i replied..china...then he went on and on asking about what i do..what i study..sigh..i wonder why taxi drivers are so curious abt other ppl's life..probably because they can only sit in the tiny and smelly cab for N long...I wonder if they ever peed in their own seat...feel sorry for them...all they have is...less 2 m2 space....worse than the homeless...at least...homeless ppl can claim that whole land of earth is his home...sounds so exciting... even makes me jealous...
     
    yeah..anyway...the real annoy part is..the taxi driver started talking about how he heard a news about china is in big trouble for $$$billions uncollected loans by Bank of China...then he shifted to the concern of how China never learn ...never learn from 2000 years of history....the corruption...the lack of federal political system...the need for captial punishment..the terrible situation of poor and rich...he even told me about how the son of DENG XIAO PIN put huge amound of money into Commonwealth bank ( australian bank)..then the second week..the money was transferred to Netherland...
    He said..."oh..I am a Malyasian..but from chinese background...so I am very worried...my sister lives in HK..she wanted to move to GuangZhou...and I said NO...cuz China is a time bomb.. it's just a matter of time for China to break down..." blah..blah..blah...
     
    apparently...he thinks he knows more about China..than me..me...a pure chinese!....I made several attempts to interupt him just to rebute and tell different perspective on the issue...he never stopped...
    seriously...the lecturers at uni would be less talkative than he is..
     
     
    I felt slightly annoyed because he put down China TOTALLY..very negative opinion...on the other hand..I felt glad because ppl care for china now...well..not necessarily care..but they keep an eye on us...gives us some credit for our international significance...
     
    when you are out of your own country...you unconsciously choose to look at the good things about your own country more than when you were inside of the country... knowing deeply it is the root of yours..knowing by heart it is where you belong...
     
     
    before I got off the taxi...I said to the interesting old fellow: anyway..sir...it's good to know that ppl concern for China...and..plz give some credit to China's future..would ya... plus a smile..I jumped out of the cab...
     
     
    here you go..it's da story of the day...not enough to make my day..cuz i had a really bad day...stupid mgt never roster enough ppl to work...made me...the hardworker of all...feel like strike today..I almost striked...almost...it was that close....very very close..
     
    a friend of mine (one of my managers as well) once said...I can tell you are from Shanghai...cuz you v got this attitude...when I went on asked what attitude specifically..he smiled at me and said nothing...
    umm...whatever what he meant...i will take it with pride!
    May 08

    the song tells all..

    空荡的街景想找个人放感情
    做这种决定是寂寞与我为邻

    我们的爱情像你路过的风景
    一直在进行脚步却从来不会为我而停

    给你的爱一直很安静
    来交换你偶尔给的关心
    明明是三个人的电影
    我却始终不能有姓名

    你说爱像云要自在飘浮才美丽
    我终於相信分手的理由时候很动听

    给你的爱一直很安静
    来交换你偶尔给的关心
    明明是三个人的电影
    我却始终不能有姓名

    给你的爱一直很安静
    我从一开始就下定决心
    以为自己要的是曾经
    却发现爱一定要有回音

    我们的爱情像你路过的风景
    一直在进行脚步却从来不会为我而停

    给你的爱一直很安静
    来交换你偶尔给的关心
    明明是三个人的电影
    我却始终不能有姓名

    给你的爱一直很安静
    除了泪在我的脸上任性
    原来缘份是用来说明
    你突然不爱我这件事情

     

    it's a quite old song now..but i still listen to it all the time..donno why..loved the sorrowness..the bitterness.. the deliciously heartbroken feeling...   

    a picture always appears in my mind..an old abandoned railway field..a woman wearing a white long cotton dress..walking along the railway quietly..so quietly that you only can hear the wind singing this sorrow song..as if it's a song for that woman walking on the railway..as if the wind is telling her story to the rest of the world..her hair shines as the sun kisses her softly..so softly that your heart just swings along..there is no experission on woman's face..as if nothing would ever borther her..as if the blooding heart doesn't hurt no more..as if she never had a man..never loved that man..never..never..

     

    when relationships involve more than 2 ppl..there meant to be blood stan all over the piece of paper..that paper is the passport to the heaven of happiness..the mind of peace..so..who is the one to blame..when you think about it...there is really no way to justify it anyhow..it's like a little girl's little doll..you are so happy when you recieve it as a gift..you hold it and say: this is the most beautiful doll in the world..I will love it forever..the next thing you know..you grow up and the doll is nowhere to be found..only the memory of ever had it tells you that you were the happiest girl in the world..

     

    only if the woman never met a man..

    only if the woman never loved that man..

    only if......

     

     

    May 03

    a draft for the future me..

    It's really weird..that I found myself quite enjoy the company of kids these days..beautiful things..
     
    so I start to seriously think about what I wanna do in future..here is the picture..in some quiet urban side..I will be with a lot orphan kids..we play together..laugh together..cry together..learn together..I will tell them a lots of great stories about the world..and the great things to live in the world..i will let them know that they are beautiful..and they are not abondoned..they can still grow up happily and healithily without parents..cuz i am their family...
     
    I will witness those beautiful creatures grow up day by day..year by year..and then when they are old enough..they will go out there to experience the world..and become wonderful person..then i will grow old with them..maybe..i won't get married..or have a kid of my own..but i will have a lots of kids..and i know they will be good people when they grow up because they grow up in love..courage..great hope..
     
    i wanna be beautiful for those kids..I find myself full of love but nowhere to give..what a tragedy..
    but you can't force anything to happen..you can only flow with it..so..maybe this will work out..
     
    still..i find myself frightened by my own thoughts..I always wanna be sucessful..and financially secure so that my parents will have a good retirement life..but now..things changed..i changed!
     
    how did it happen...I donno...maybe since I met dianne..after I saw the picture of Daniel's son..
    or just cuz I enjoyed talking with the kids at work...most of the kids I met at work are perfectly normal kids...with great parents..great future ahead..but how about those who don't have any love source when they grow up...I wanna share their sadness...their story...maybe this way..i will feel myself a better person...or..at least some of them will have a not-too-bad childhood..so they still have a good life...I feel this is very important..for them..and for me...
     
    I wanna do what i can to make the world beautiful..maybe embitious..but sincerely...
    April 24

    a man passed by...

    attention: this is no love story..so for those not interested..it is suggested not to read on..
     
    okay..to be honest..don't know where to start..
     
    in short: i was "invited" to have an affair with a married guy..apparently..he is a good person..but still..i called him asshole..oh..yeah...men are assholes..
     
    i wonder why those man seems to have the perfect life..are the ones wanna to cheat.. how could ppl live in denial the fact that they do have everything...he is young..sucessful comparing to his peer..he is married..and have a 1-year-old son..he is even tall! what else can a gay ask for..
     
    is the wife the one to blame? oh..yeah...maybe..but take initiative to cheat on his family..i was fully disguested..maybe it's not a big deal since he is aussie..but all man are equal morally..there is no excuses to cheat on yr partner just because the society you happen to live in is more acceptable on such issues...
     
    what are men thinking when they decide to cheat!
     
    i mean..there are so many things to do out there than cheating on their women...they can smoke port if they seek for pleasure..they can play rugby if they are self-destructive..they can learn to change their children's nappy if they wanna get dirty..they can get drunk just to make excuses for showing their weakness..
    why..why..why to cheat.. only because it's sth fresh..sth they know they are not supposed to do ... i mean... just how sick is that...
     
    anyway...it's no longer an issue for me...however...the question remains...why do men cheat?!
     
     
    April 04

    Just when i thought life goes on my favor...

    Just when i thought life goes on my favor...I am forced to pack up all my stuff in 1 hr and half..and officially become homeless in this country..

    it's an absolute shocker!

    okay..here is the story..yesteresday..around 12 noon..i was just about to leave home to uni..8 police officers came in my house with my landlord (Diane)..and she started to pack up straight away..

    WHAT DA HELL IS GOING ON...someone PLEASE tell me!!!!!!

    Reberto (Diane's partner) started swearing and left the house..only told me: we mgiht be in trouble..???!!!

    okay...nobody seemed to be willing to tell me what on earth was going on..I was in shock..and a deep breath..

    I asked Diane: what's going on..and where are you going?

    Diane (her voice is shaking): zoe..I have to go..to Melbourne..Reberto threatened me with my life..he stole my money..stole my medication..he is on drugs...he spent all our money...he made me lose my job..threatened me to beat my daughter's husband and their children...I have to leave..and will never come back...(blah blah blah...)

    It took me 20 seconds to put everything she said together and then basically..I just don't know how to react.. I asked: how come you never told me anything?

    Diane (still shaking and without stoping packing up): I am so sorry..zoe..that i put you into this situation..I couldn't tell you anything because I like you..and you are such a good girl..and I was worried that Reberto would kill me if I told you anything...

    I could not believe what i just heard..and then I walked to one of the police officer: could you tell me..that if this guy has any criminal records...

    6"5 inch tall policewoman hestiated then said: sorry..i am not authorised to answer this quesiton since it is a breach of privacy..

    fair enough...I turned to Diane..Diane looked at me with fear..nodded..

    I took a deep breath..telling myself..okay..zoe..now you are totally dead...

    there is one thing i know..that is there is no way i am going to live with this guy alone under the same roof..not for a single night..no matter what both of them said..I have no way to prove..and both of them are liers!!! so..all I need to do..and have to do is...PACK NOW! GET OUT OF HERE ASAP!!

    so..i started packing straight away...and started calling friends to organise a place to put all my belonging..then next step is to find a hotel to settle down..because i have 2 exams in 2 days!!

    after being here for 4 years..god knows how much stuff i have..it's like an exhibitaion.. Lucky..I got 2 friends came over in 1 hrs..and helped me packing all the stuff and organising the moving vehicle..and i found another friend can provide space for me to put stuff temporarily...

    3 hours later...I am out of this house..handed over the keys...and I am done with this SHIT..

    I feel sorry for Diane (but what about me!!!)..I never knew that she was living in that condition...I never knew she would be this scared to ask for help from police just to leave Reberto...she could be a bit of psycho..but i believe that she is in danger...and so am i...

    I hugged Diane and said: please take care of yrself, Diane..and never come back again..You will be alright..and I will be alright too..I guess..

    and now..24hrs later..I am still on the only cloth that i wore yesterday..don't have anything on me except the material I need to have for my exam tomorrow and the day after...haven't had a shower..not even brushed my teeth yet..I smell so yuck..after one day of hunting new place to live..I have to stay at library studying for the exam...at this season..only very limited places are available for renting..and all bloody expensive...all the numbers in my head just jumping all around..make me wanna faint..

    to write down what just happened for the last 24 hrs..gives me the strength to look forward..leave what happened behind..so that I will still be ready for whatever coming to me..

    I WILL SURVIVE..LIKE I ALWAYS DO..
    pray for me..my dear friends...



    ppl all make bad decisions..and I am not exception...experiencing this unbelievable time...I don't know how to trust ppl any more...I mean...what kinda secret life ppl could possibly hide from you..even apperantly everything is going fine...you just have no way to find out...I always believed that not to judge ppl's character by their apperance or education...but now...I feel like a fool...
    on the other hand.. I couldn't thank enough of those who helped out from this crisis of my life..at least...I still have some friends who were there for me...they are the gift from God..

    I guess afterall...i am a lucky person...as it was predicted...
    March 10

    Brokeback Mountain

    Cowboy + Gay = ?  
     
    2 days ago, i went to see "Brokeback Mountain"..and I cried.. somehow i think Ang Lee made a dodgy move that is to make one of them die to end the movie..otherwise how will it end and still make everyone happy...well..i still cried anyway..so..i unintentionally buy his old trick..
     
    Still hard to imagine..2 men love each other so much..but still get married with other women and had children...how could that be possible...my friend went to cinema with me thought that they were pretty unenthical since their wives and children are innocent and probably will never get the love they deserve. well..i think..they betrayed themselves as well...why ppl sometimes have so much courage to face pain but can not be faithful to themselves...
     
    it always comes to someone important dies and we realise how much that person is been loved.. this old bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
    i kinda understand why Brokeback Mountain got missed out on Oscar Best Picture Award.. cuz it didn't provide a solution to the problem it creates..it kinda plays around the edge...it is definitely touching..but not satisfying..
     
    somehow..to have a Brokeback Mountain of my own with the one i love is still a pretty romantic idea..i mean..most of the love stories wpuld have something tight up the main roles of the stories..it could be a tree..a shop..even library like one of my friends' love story...hehe..it's all good...
     
    forget what was the point for this whole journal entry...but..life goes on...
     
    weekend starts! oh..yeah..i get to go back to work and joke around with those big chefs..haha..don't know what will they do to make me mad tomorrow..last time..i cut my finger with broken glass..when i asked chef to give me a bandae..one of the chefs went: hey..zoe..ya don't need no bandae..come here...i will give ya a hug..and you will be fine...well...of course..i didn't take his hug but the bandae.. still..he was sweet..at least made me laugh when i was almost about to cry...(don't call me a crying baby ..even it was a small cut..but it hurts!! )
     
    okay..gonna go...
    March 09

    ah^^ha..i am back...

    umm...to all my dear friends...to be honest..there is nothing much to report at this stage...uni started..and as boring as usual...except there is one boy at tutorial is pretty good looking..which pleases my eyes at that 1 hr class...umm..what else...oh..today my psyc lecturer said that..those good looking boys are at lower level of a particular gene and that means probably they are not good in human reproducing perspective even though they are good looking..and girls would be better off to find a construction worker as husband than find an accountant..haha..umm..this was very educational...
     
    oh..hey..i am still single... for those really keen ont this part of my life... well..i guess it's my gene as well..boys are just not physically attracted to me..there is nothing i do about it...so the other day..i went to Mardi Gras (international Gay&Lesbian Festival)..oh..man..l
     
     
    oh..gonna go now...
    January 27

    for those care for me..

    hehe..i'm back! first of all..sorry that i haven't been update my spaces..but..i do have a good excuse..well..good enough for me..i have moved to a new place..but they don't even have a phone line not to mention the internet..well..don't ask me why i moved to such a place..it's cheap! that's what it all about..well..ppl there are pretty nice to me..by moving there i am basically save a lot money...and it's damn close to my uni and one of the workplaces..so after all..it's a good room for that much money..i am happy..then i bought a wireless internet access figuring that i can't really survive without internet studying at uni..but! it turns out..my laptop was toooooooooooooo crap/old for this kinda NEW technology..this sucks...man..i bought this laptop only 3 years ago...i still wear underware from 5 years before anyway! ..hehe...that was a joke..
     
    so...here you go...hope that explanation would make those ppl angry with me a bit relief now..
     
    okay...now..let me talk abt my new life...by the way..another reason is that i have been working a lot..2 jobs at the same time...basically wake up at 5am..finish first job at 4pm..then run for the second one..finish the whole day at about 10pm..then second day..5am again...well...what a life!
    so today finally got a day-off and the library at uni open..so here i am..
     
    abt the jobs..i really liked one of them..the hotel job..yesterday i got 90 dollars tips..only one night..hoho...can't stop laughing..hahahahahaahha...but ya know..this only happens once in a hundred years..hopefully not...hee...yeah..i was talking abt that job...the job is in the heart of the city...a 4/5 star hotel..i work at the resturant..the temptation of the gorgeous food is so far my biggest enermy...yeah..ya guys know me la...i have been working there roughly abt 1 month now..at the beginning it was very very hard..cuz i don't know a shit about how western ppl eat..ya know..how cutlery supposed to be set..how many courses in one meal...there are milions of wines and beers on the list..gosh..i was totoally overwealmed by all those rules and standards...but..ya know..i survived!
     
    now..they sent to work at bar now..haha...gee...very excited...now i get to make cocktails..whisky..spirits...liquour..gee...so much to learn...but it's all good... my work efford and ability has been recognised by my managers and collies..yeah..ppl work there are pretty nice to me...couple of the boys are good-looking as well..hehe...in case ya are interested..i am not having crash on any of them!..haha...
     
    yeah..so everything is turning around now..good money coming in..and can learn hips of stuff.. work there is good fun...so..it's all good...
     
    so this is part of my 21-year-old resolution...so far so good..hopefully when uni starts again in feb..i would have a crack on my study..
     
    i am feeling more energitic than ever...the feeling of being in control of my own life...and really looking forward of tomorrow..not that i am a totally new person..but i feel my growth..which make my parents proud as well...
     
     
    so...that's abt it...for those who still look out for me...i really appreciate from the botton of my heart..just to let ya know..i am doing just fine!
     
    PS: since i am not be able to use internet at home by my own laptop..i won't be able to chat with ya guys on msn that much now...but still..just send me msg by space or email me...
     
    so ppl! keep in touch AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  LOVE YOU ALL..MISS YOU ALL!!!!!!!
    November 30

    不好..

    最近过的不好..讨生活比我想象中的还要艰难..越来越明白爸爸妈妈的辛苦..虽然有的时候还是会觉得还不如回国度假..但心里明白自己的选择是对的..对的起良心..不知道爸爸妈妈会不会想我..会不会怪我..我只好多打电话回家..多花几个小时听妈妈讲她讲过的事情..爸爸对我比较的冷淡..希望不是因为我决定不回去而生气..毕竟他对我的假期做了很多美好的打算..每次给家里打电话心理总是很难过..觉得自己是个没用的孩子..不知道不能天天看着爸爸妈妈慢慢变老是件好事还是坏事..
     
    这些日子没事做..静下来..很多FLASHBACK掠过眼前..从刚到澳洲..到现在..有些人我觉得还是没有认识的好..当然我没有把自己的不顺心推卸到别人身上的意思..只是觉得人生的轨道实在是太奇妙..如果我还是我..去掉遇到的一些人..也许我会更单纯..更放的开..现在的我好象是关在笼子里的小鸟..就算笼子开了..也没有飞出去的勇气了..就好象动物园里的老虎失去了自己捕食的能力..对了..我为什么选老虎打比方..这个嘛..呵呵..我也说不好..
     
    我房东是台湾人..夫妻两个..不算是典型的"台巴子"..前不久到中国内地玩了一圈..回来跟我收房租的时候..坐下来聊了老多..对上海是光翘拇指..说共产党领导下的中国现在不得了..我听了也是高兴不得了啊..我相信他们说的完全没错..不过他们讲起另一些家事..让陷入沉思..过去我是一直反对移民的..一..我不喜欢澳..可能看多了风土人情恶劣的一面..二..我总是觉得作为年青人..要发展要贡献..应该去自己的地方..虽然我的这种想法算是很老土的了..不过我真的这么想的..我还记得一次翻金融杂志..找不到中国的公司排在世界500强..还特别愤慨..憧憬着自己将来能为CHINA出现在这排行榜上出份力..笑我痴人说梦也好..狂妄自大也好..这种冲动从来没有在我的血脉里停止跳动过..但是..现在我变的现实了..变的保守了..变的以小家为先了..我开始动摇了..我开始渐渐了解老人家想到澳洲养老的心情..也开始隐约看到自己该走的路..看到这篇东西的老朋友一定对我很失望吧..只是我们当初共同的约定:一定要幸福..我想还是没有改变..
     
    对了..天天跑1小时..我瘦了10斤..但总觉得那秤在跟我开玩笑..
     
    November 28

    精神乐园

    处在代业状态的我..日子过的算是清闲..不过还不至于无聊..幸好我在家附近发现了一块大草坪..于是每天下午都去那里跑步..很久不跑了..刚开始的时候真的觉得自己老了..跑1分钟就接不上气..腿跟什么似的重..渐渐地我每天总是期待下午跑步的时间快点到来..因为我知道那里已经成为了我的精神乐园..
     
     
    精神的石头
     
    那块看似荒废的地在山坡上..下面是大草坪..上面是石头和杂草相接的奇形地..因为样子真的很丑..石头和杂草毫无规律的相互依赖..好好的一块大石头..上面竟生出杂草..感觉就象鲜花插在牛粪上..也许这世上真的有哪个孩子是从石头里蹦出来的也不一定..每次走着我就会产生这样的联想..然后思路就飞到很远很远的地方..具体的还是不要说出来的好..怕破坏了那些眷侣们的兴致..
     
    每次跑完步..我喜欢选块石头坐下..打开IPOD..仰望天空..时不时地会有飞机飞过..看着她们自由地飞翔..载着我无数的愿望..因为住的离飞机场不远..我养成了对飞机许愿的习惯..一来..真的要等流星才许愿的话..我觉得比等外星人侵略地球还看不到边..何况流星和一般的星星不同的地方就是她们会飞..反正飞机也会飞..功能和流星基本相同嘛..再者..流星总出现在晚上..飞机白天黑夜地都能碰上..那我许愿的机会不是多了几千几万个百分点了么..要有人说我贪心..我也无话可说..人生怎是一个"贪"字了得的..对吧..人类对于幸福的追求总该是无可后非的吧..
     
    对了..惟独有一次我跑完步就直接回家了..因为有两个老外占了我的石头..当然周围空石头还是有的..我也不至于那么小气不爱跟人分享..不过我正要走过去..那个60上下的老头就开始更衣了..外套..接着是裤子..再是内衣..最后只剩下个小裤叉..还是鲜艳的粉红色.. 哇噻..他当这儿是BEACH了..我都服了..联想到变态心理学的关于ILLUSION症状..我决定还是放弃给精神充电..免得被那个"神经"电到..
     
    妈妈说:出门在外..安全第一..我是个听话的好孩子..
     
    对了..讲到精神的石头..其实我这么觉得只是因为石头上面有很多VANDALISM..只是在我看来还不算太碍眼..大部分都是I..一个心..再是一个人名字..或者就是两个人的名字加上一颗心..大同小异..没啥创意..但是谈恋爱嘛..本来就是大同小异的..总之他们的精神是传达到了..除了那些爱情宣言以外..竟然还有个煞风景的..推数学公式..里面的道道我是看不明白..不过一点我是看明白了..那个人最后一定没推出来..因为老长一段公式的最后面是一个令人难过的单词..SHIT..不过想来也是..好好的公式干吗非要在石头上推..又没学习气氛..又不象纸..错了..撕掉就是了..估计这就是那人没有蜀名的缘故吧..
     
    每次我都会选一快有内容的石头..一屁股坐在那些爱情宣言上..凹凹凸凸的..不怎么舒服..但心里总是挺得意的..我可没有要践踏爱情的意思..我只是想零距离受爱情的熏陶而已..因为我是个没人疼的人..所以谁说我缺德..谁就是没同情心..
     
     
    在坟墓上奔跑
     
    其实那块草坪真的挺大..有标准的足球场的规模..只是不够专业..因为两边的球框很落莫的竖立着..没有网的辉映..只有一块断了的布挂着..我心想会不会是谁自杀上吊的时候留下的..如果是真的..那就SUPER COOL了..但后来再想..以球框的高度来判断..那个找死的应该是个侏儒..或者小朋友..所以心里不免有些难过..
     
    之所以感觉象在坟墓上奔跑不光是因为草坪荒废的样子..也是因为草坪上有老多SHIT..当然根据形状和大小判断..应该是狗屎..因为草坪旁边有男女厕所..虽然我从没走近确定那个简陋的小破屋就是厕所..但有一次..看到两个跟父母来溜狗的小小朋友..兄妹两个..妹妹总是跟着哥哥到处跑..后来哥哥往小破屋的左边门进去..妹妹也跟着进了去..没一秒钟..哥哥气颠气颠地拖着妹妹跑了出来..还一边指着左边的入口..一边大声地对着妹妹吼:THIS IS BOY'S ROOM..YA KNOW..BOY'S ROOM..YOU GO THE OTHER WAY..还指划着右边的入口..妹妹显然不明白哥哥说的话..只是一副很委屈的样子..不一会儿哥哥一副很轻松的样子走了出来..跑去玩了..妹妹还站在两个门的中间..不知所措的样子..咬着小指甲..摆弄着小裙子..身子左右摆动..好象在犹豫去哪边的入口..最后她转身望了望远处的哥哥..终于向哥哥去过的那个入口冲去..我还记得她转过身的那个眼神..让我联想到教科书上狼牙山五壮士站在山峰上准备最后一搏的样子..没过一会儿..小Y头又神颠神颠的样子跑了出来..对着哥哥喊:YUCKY! YUCKY!..真是老搞笑的妹妹啊..不过从此以后..我知道不要靠近小破屋就是了..
     
    对了..之前讲到草坪上到处是SHIT..我要大声向世界宣布: 本人从来没有中过招!!OH YEAH!! 每次跑步看到溜狗的人..我就象处电一样打个颤..有的时候遇到好看的狗狗..我还是挺开心的..不过有几个老太太的狗简直是..太..丑了..走路比老太太还慢..可能跟老太太一样老吧..所以身上的毛很稀..而且还没光泽..脸部的皱纹跟地图一样错综复杂..
    但不管老幼..美丑..所有的狗似乎都喜欢在草坪上解决问题..有的主人还特逗..每次看到自己的狗狗开始行动了..就很不好意思地到处张望..好象自己在做坏事似的..我就会用我的小眼睛使劲地瞪狗主人..直到把狗主人瞪得转过身去..哈哈..算是报仇..不过也不是所有的狗主人都那么没道德..有一次..就有个中年妇女手持一个黑色塑料袋..跟在狗狗的后面..总跟做体操似的做弯腰运动..我一开始还以为她是在找东西..毕竟在这块很SURPRISE的草坪上..我还没见过掏垃圾的人光临过..所以就排除了她是"专业废物利用者"..后来跑近一看..那小狗仔子蹲在原地不动..然后走开了..接着狗妈妈马上做了一次弯腰运动..才明白是怎么回事..其实当时我很感动..真想上去冲她敬个礼什么的..不过怕吓到她..以后她做不了弯腰运动..所以就忍住了..
     
     
    其实小小的一块荒地..能看到很多有趣的事情的..不过今天就到这里..休息..休息..
    November 23

    心都碎了..

    今天没事在新浪上看小说..随意点了郭敬明在新浪上BLOG..想想那些在新浪上有BLOG的"名人"们赚了不少吧..咋一看..郭少在BLOG上还是挺卖力的..看着上千上万的留言..我心里琢磨着..新浪的编辑狐狸们一定乐翻了吧..不过我可是失望透了..
     
    先不说日志的内容..就说他放的那些照片..完全是个日本韩国明星的造型..头发弄的跟鸡头似的..穿的跟朋克似的..那太阳眼镜啊..跟HOLLYWOOD的花花公子差不多..还有那个脸啊..粉的..如果不是每天做面膜..现在还有多少大男人有那种SKIN啊..跟当初他在<幻城>书皮上的那纯真少年比..我觉得眼前的是个泰国人妖..太可怕了..
     
    再说说那个内容吧..纯搞笑..感觉就是在报流水帐..我开始怀疑新浪出的价一定不够高..一个页面上照片的篇幅比文字多..听说他现在做"歌手"了..文章里还提到了他的经济人和助手..我只想问他有没有从上海大学毕业先..估计他那BLOG也是他那助手帮他打理的吧..不知道什么时候他的文章是不是也需要他经济人代劳..他只要给书皮摆POSE的就可以了..
     
    如果说是我跟不上国内的发展脚步..我也没话好说..但话我还是要说的..至今我的书架上还放着郭少的<幻城>和<左手..右手>..和痞子蔡的<木解寄生>放在一起..因为他们都是曾经令我感动的东西..只是下次郭少出东西的时候..我会先想我那点买书的钱够他做面膜钱的千分之几..以后在娱乐报纸上看到郭少的种种..至少我不会太惊讶了..这种刺激受一次就够了..突然想起曾几何时..在聊天室里为某个滥用郭少的网名而大战一番..我真TMD想臭骂自己..
     
    同样寒韩也有个新浪BLOG..就真实很多..看他讽刺奥运会会标的那口气..我知道寒韩还是寒韩..成长着..却没有变质..做着他自己..玩着他的赛车.张着嘴批判着他的批判..
     
    郭少..我为你难过..
    如果现在你觉得活的很开心..那么我也只能为自己难过..
    CUZ I BELIEVED IN YOU 
     
     
    October 24

     

    你在森林里养了好几种动物,马、牛、羊、老虎和孔雀。如果有天你必须离开森林,而且只能带一种动物离开,你会带哪种动物?”
     
     
    花了一个下午的时间看蔡智恒的新书连载<孔雀森林>..可恶的连载似乎从来没有要完结的意思..不过在异地他乡能读到蔡的作品..已经很满足了..而且还不用花钱..呵呵..到现在我还没想通自己为何没选孔雀..一个选了马却象孔雀的家伙..
     
    不知道现在的学生是不是还喜欢痞子蔡的东西..想当初..他因为<第一次亲密接触>而进入无数少年网络梦里的时候..我并没有特别的喜欢他..就好象不愿承认自己对安妮宝贝的态度一样..安妮的文字是一种毒..渗入读者的每个器官..产生欲罢不能的瘾..急切的要读下去..却和她的文字一起受伤..然而痞子蔡的东西从来就给一种懒散的感觉..有的人会质疑他对文字的能力..可我一直坚信他对自己的文字很用心..只是方式不用罢了..可能跟他性格有关吧..喜欢他那实在的浪漫..如果你说..实在跟浪漫是走不要一起的..那就去看痞子蔡吧..如果说现在的通俗小说或者所谓的爱情小说..靠着里面无数的帅哥美女..灰姑娘..富家公子..让我幸福地在美丽幻想里度假..那痞子蔡的东西..带我到酒吧里听JAZZ..落破音乐家沧桑的声音和苦涩而香醇的酒完美的混合..心里说不出的舒服..直到现在我的书架上还放着<檞寄生>..一本对我意义非凡的书..还有高中是班里好友相互传看的回忆..罗密欧对朱丽叶的经典表白..去死吧..呵呵
     
    <孔雀森林>讲的是一个选了孔雀的男人和三个女人的故事..这三个女人分别选了老虎..羊..和孔雀..对了..这些动物分别代表了自由(马),事业(牛),羊(爱情),尊严(老虎)和金钱(孔雀)..选孔雀的男人身上却并不具备所谓孔雀所代表的个性..然而他却遇到了三个典型具备她们选择动物的特性的女人..这四个人的结局因为可恶的连载进度继续埋藏在神秘中..我也不想去猜..因为相信痞子给的结局一定是出人意料的..只是觉得这个心理测试跟这些人物的关系很有有趣..孔雀男人的好朋友固执的要选狗..永远的要选狗..真是个搞笑的家伙..
     
    我选的是马--自由..当我得知马是代表自由的时候..我很惊讶..对我而言最重要的真的是自由吗..一个老友曾对我说..要自由的飞..展翅高飞..我很感激他..可是并不了解他当时对我说这句话时候的心情和用意..那个时候..我跟梦游般地接受生活的变迁..生命的转折..我仍然记得他当时说那话时候脸上的笑容..也记得那时有一只鸟飞过..穿越夕阳那壮烈而温柔的天空..
    经过这些日子..我越来越觉得..有样东西..被压抑了很久..拼命的要冲破我的天空..
    也许那个东西..就叫自由..而我..也越来越象我自己..
    October 17

    meditation..

    爸爸要我这次放假回国..很强烈的样子..
     
    三年半了..我对自己说..也许是时候了..是不是时候呢..于是我开始往回看..看到在国际机场因为带的东西太重..被罚款..没有象电影里依依不舍的泪水和拥抱..梦醒的时候..在太平洋另一头的机场出口..很多人..不过没有期待我出现的影子..还看到我坐在大BUS里..透过明亮的玻璃跟国内的老友们"说话"..再后来就只能看到现在的我..无畏的活着..
     
    我开始难过..我惊讶的发现..原来我就是这样的活着..没有颜色..没有起伏..更没有笑容的活着..我开始问自己..这样的你真的做好回去的准备了吗..曾几何时..当我跨出国门的时候..透过机窗俯视生我养我的那块土地..我对自己说..等我再踏上这块土地的时候..我会是个更好的人..我会变的很强..那也是那些重要的人和我共同的约定..
     
    而现在..是时间遗弃了我..还是我在时间里迷了路..
     
    对着镜子..对着变了型的自己..我对自己说..IT'S ABOUT TIME..
     
    于是我辞了现在的工..这份只让我退化..让我厌恶的工..
     
    接下来..我..要怎么做..
     
     
    PS: 我做了个让人心碎的梦..梦到我去曹敏大学门口等她..想给她个惊喜..等啊等..可是始终她都没有出现..强政却出现在我的面前..我们什么都没有说..只是看着对方..那种说不出的眼神让我觉得难过..后来我又出现在人民广场的大街上..久违了的人群..所幸..室长与我并肩而行..我很肯定..当时我笑了..室长也对着我笑..再后来我一个人被困在了家里大楼的电梯里..梦醒了..枕头是湿的..
    October 11

    australia's brainiest kids ?!

    连着两个星期看了这里国家电视台办的一个节目..算是智力竞赛吧..不过都是小朋友..号称是澳大利亚最聪明的孩子..半决赛来的..连着连个星期..都是中国小朋友胜出一讲..看姓就知道了..哎..觉得挺感动..也挺郁闷的..
     
    如果到了决赛..清一色都是中国人面孔..小老外心的话..坐在电视机前的鬼老会不会气的吐血呢..我挺担心的..也觉得会很爽的..
     
    对了..还有..其中一个小赤老..把我给气的..
    有道题..是问..哪个国家有过明朝?
    他竟然给我说PASS..一讲..我晕死了..我想..在现场的他的妈妈应该回家好好教育一下..虽然他最后胜出了..不过我还是觉得他挺该打的..他知道拿破伦老婆的名字..竟然不知道自己血统的历史..
     
     
    其实觉得心里挺不是滋味的..这些都是人才啊..应该在中国生根才对..
    好想知道..中国的小孩子们..你们都在做些什么呢..
    突然有种冲动..我应该为下一代的教育事业做些什么..
    我傻的..别睬我...
    September 28

    Life Vanishing

    whatever can't kill ya, only makes ya stronger!!
     
    another pretty emotional days passed by, thought those days would never go away.
     
    life full of unpleasant past, how am i supposed to deal with it all alone?
     
    i doubt that i am a monster in my previous life..hehe..then anyone tell me why!
     
    after all, here i am.
     
    being able to survive again, i feel blessing. this time, i made it all by myself. though i tried to seek help from dady, unfortunately he did not pick up the phone. oh, maybe that's my fortune. i accept it, guess that's all i can do.
     
    recalling how i got hited, how i got panic attack, how my manager tried to keep my consciousness awake, how i walked 1 hr to hospital, how i .... still, i fear. still, i breath.
     
     
     
    September 23

    shame on ya! aussies!!

    the story is..last night i was working..there was an uni party goin on..which makes the whole Maccus pretty busy..well..very very busy..it turns out several drunk chicks came in..to aviod long queue..they jumped into drive throu..which only motor vehcles allowed..i was doing Drive Throu at the time.. To do wut i ought to do..i said: sorry ..girls..no personals without vehcile allowed to be on the drive way...and it's dangerous...guess wut happened?!
    wholy shit!..those nice looking chicks started swearing all the way.." ya fucking asian chinese!" "why don't ya go back to Mama big China!" blah..blah..blah..
     
    it wasn't finished yet..then they came into the front counter..swearing all the way...my collage was serving them..she was an asian lady as well..but not from china..she is probably the nicest person ya can ever met.. and IN THE FACE of my collage..those girls made all sorta of comment on asian ppl.. meanwhile begging for food..
     
    WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!!!
     
    there are so many aussie uni students around..no one ever standed up and stopped their harrassment on Asain ppl..NOT A SINGLE ONE..
     
    just note that..i am a student of that uni as well..Unversity of New South Wales..one of the top territory institution across australia..even in the whole south pacific region.. suppose university students would represent the most educated group in australia..if no objection to this, then allow me to say: shame on ya ! aussie!  it is DISAPPOINTING!
     
    we did not bash those terrible ppl..not because we feel nothing abt it..only in sake of our own self-respect.. but i swear to god..if this ever happens again..i am so gonna fucking kill those bitches!  this kinda situation does not just happen once in a while..it happens all the time.. what's wrong with you ppl..
     
    i always thought that australia as an industrialised country shares pretty dynamic cultures..as so called "multiculturalism"..average ppl would have better manner in respect to various cultures..well..maybe..it's just an advertisement..like all adz do to cusumer..LIER LIER AND LIER!!!
     
    aussies seem always have such proud of being aussie..its uniquiness and sense of sharing and caring..maybe it's all bullshit..just the diamond crown you ppl put on yrself ..
     
     
     
    as an international students, life has never been easy for me.
     
    when ya wanna really get involved with local ppl, there comes the limitation of english skill and understanding of cultural background..they just stay far away from ya..as if ya are the SARS or AIDs...
     
    okay..so maybe i can hang around with those LOCAL chinese ppl..as what they called..ABC (aussies born chinese)..twe are have the CHINESE blood and skin...so we are family! ...here come the problems again..some of them face the IDENTITY problem.."if i hang around with those overseas..am i a local or more of chinese?! NO way..i am true aussie!"
     
    i do understand the delimma they confront with..so i am happy to leave myself alone..all i wanna is a simple job..earning enough money to feed myself and if could share some financial burden for parents..it's a bonus...
     
    is that TOO MUCH to ask? AUSTRALIA?! remember ..every single cent i earn by working my ass off .. 20% of them..i pay for TAX..i am paying for feeding ya overweight and SICK ppl!!
     
     
     
     
    September 22

    my poem (revised)

    Walking down the neighbourhood
    ms. windy embraces me with darkness
    holding the coat tight   glancing up to the sky
    mr. moon still up 'n running
    leaving boundless stars behind, 'n shine
     
     
    Walking down the street
    ms. windy squeezes me with whisper
    i listen, and hear
    couple arguing, oh, big M
    baby crying, oh, i need mami
    boys playing, oh, never surrender
    someone's cooking, umm, yummi
     
     
    Walking alone every single day
    ms. windy kisses me with loneliness
    feeling the world in silence
    can you people still hear me
    i scream, and collapse
    somehow i wonder
    will someone ever love me...
     
               
    in memory of my fuckin shitty life
                        (oops..excuse me!)